In Loving Memory
by bambers2
Summary: After Dean's death, Sam visits the one person he knows will understand the pain he is feeling inside...


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so truthfully i really didn't want to do a sad Dean death story, but awesome Rae666 sent me this song, and it wouldn't leave me until I wrote this...so here it is, my sad Dean dying story...maybe it will bring you to tears so here is a kleenex warning...thanks for reading hope you enjoy!!

In Loving Memory by Altar Bridge...if you haven't heard it check it out on youtube...just a perfectly beautiful song!!

_In Loving Memory___

Thanks for all you've done

I've missed you for so long

I can't believe you're gone

You still live in me

I feel you in the wind

You guide me constantly

For the longest time, Sam sat behind the wheel of Dean's Impala, looking out over dark, quiet graveyard. With a heavy heart, Sam recalled the last time he had been there, Dean had adamantly refused to visit their mother's grave. Back then, Sam couldn't understand his brother's reluctance to lay to rest some of the pain he felt burning so deep inside his heart that it overshadowed everything he did in life. Sam understood it now.

A single tear slid down Sam's cheek unheeded as he reached over to the passenger's seat and lovingly took hold of Dean's favorite leather jacket. His fingers lightly trailed over the blood stains left behind, and he pressed his eyes closed, trying to remember every single line and detail in his brother's face. Every smile, every quirk of a brow, every single smirk flooded his mind with startling clarity as he bunched up the soft worn leather, held it to his face and breathed in his brother's scent. Like the familiar aroma of a fire burning in the hearth or warm apple pie cooling on a stove, the scent of his brother was like home to Sam. But just like a home ravaged by storm, his shelter was lost to him forever.

Tugging on the jacket that surprisingly fit him perfectly, Sam slid out of his seat and trudged through the cemetery. Although the night was filled with the comforting sounds of crickets, peepers, and other night dwellers, only a deafening silence reached Sam's ears, punctuating how alone he was in the world. Dean's soothing voice and laughter had always been the balm that filled the void of unbearable loneliness, and without his brother, Sam just didn't think he could go on.

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I've never knew what it was to be alone, no

Cause you were always there for me

You were always there waiting

And I'll come home and miss your face so

Smiling down on me

I close my eyes to see

A sad smile graced Sam's face as he recalled his brother's list of things he wanted to do and see before he died. They had made it almost all the way through the list, and Dean had even checked off having sex with doublemint twins twice. Wry laughter caught on Sam's lips when he remembered how Dean had said if they didn't get to everything he wanted to do, that one night in heaven would more than make up for the things he missed.

Somehow time had always been against them, and although Sam had seen Dean longingly trace his finger along the name of the Grand Canyon printed on his list numerous times, they had never managed to make it there. "Wish we had taken the time, Dean," he breathed in a soft whisper, "I wish a lot of things . . . ."

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And I know, you're a part of me

And it's your song that sets me free

I sing it while I feel I can't hold on

I sing tonight cause it comforts me

Sam glanced down at his hand, tears filling his eyes as he stared at the silver ring his brother had worn for as long as Sam could recall. Dean had never been one to care for worldly possessions, he carried the things that mattered in his heart, and he had taken those things with him. He had taken Sam's heart with him. "How am I supposed to do this without you, Dean? Did you even think to consider that when you made the deal?"

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I carry the things that remind me of you

In loving memory of

The one that was so true

You were as kind as you could be

And even though you're gone

You still mean the world to me

As Sam approached his mother's grave, he glanced back over his shoulder at another gravestone not too far away, and noticed how the grass and tree that had appeared dead the last time he had been there now flourished.

"What's dead should stay dead," Sam murmured the words he recalled Dean saying to Dr. Mason. Another tear slid silently down his cheek as sadly included himself in that sentiment. His knees buckled and he dropped down beside his mother's gravestone. "God, I know you were tryin' to do what you thought was right, Dean, but this jus' hurts too damn much . . . it hurts so damn much. Why the hell did you do this to me?"

_I've never knew what it was to be alone, no_

_Cause you were always there for me_

_You were always there waiting_

_But now I come home and it's not the same_, _no_

_It feels empty and alone_

_I can't believe you're gone_

Sam lightly traced his fingers over his mother's name etched in stone on her grave, and his stomach clenched painfully. "Hey, Mom," he began in a low voice, guilt and shame coloring his tone. "I know it's been a while, but I really need to talk to someone." His voice hitched in his throat as tears flooded his eyes.

"Dean's . . . he's . . . ." Sam's voice trailed off, not having the courage to tell his mother that Dean was dead because of him. "I tried so damn hard . . . so goddamn hard . . . I really did, Mom. I jus' couldn't save him. An' I'm so sorry . . . an' I need you to forgive me, cause I can't forgive myself . . . so if you could jus' . . . ."

He fell silent, knowing he had no right to beg for her forgiveness. He had failed her in the worst possible way, and her baby boy had died because of it. "Dad always said Dean looked jus' like you . . . that he was jus' like you. An' I'd like to think that's true . . . cause I'd really like to think you would forgive me like he would."

Brushing back the tears, Sam pushed himself backward to rest against the gravestone. Sam grasped a hold of the leather strap around his neck, and yanked off Dean's amulet. Tears blurred his vison as he stared long and hard at one of his brother's few prized possessions. Dean had worn it ever since that long ago Christmas when Sam had given it to him, and Sam had always liked to think it had always brought his brother good luck. But just like everything else in their lives, luck had never really been on the Winchesters' side.

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And I know, you're a part of me

And it's your song that sets me free

I sing it while I feel I can't hold on

I sing tonight cause it comforts me

"This was supposed to be a gift for Dad," Sam muttered as he carefully began to dig a small hole. "He never came home that Christmas Eve, so I gave it to Dean. You should have seen his face, Mom . . . you would've thought it was the best damn gift in the whole world . . . you really would have."

With the hole deep enough, Sam lovingly placed the amulet inside, and then covered it over with dirt. "I think Dean would've wanted you to have this. An' I really thought it would be kinda nice if it was . . . if it was buried next to you alongside Dad's dog tags. I know it sounds stupid, but by bringing this part of Dean here, I can almost feel as if the three of you are together somewhere . . . an' even if it's not true, I can pretend it is . . . an' then maybe I can feel as if I did something right."

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I'm glad he set you free from sorrow

I'll still love you more tomorrow

And you will be here with me still

Sam rubbed the moisture from his eyes, and then glanced around the darkened cemetery. A deep heartbroken cry escaped him as his gaze once again fell to where he had buried Dean's amulet. "I really think Dean would've liked to be buried here next to you, Mom. Think it would've been just about perfect in his eyes. But I jus' couldn't . . . I can't . . . cause to do that would mean I gave up on him . . . an' he would never do that to me."

Once again Sam fell silent as he recalled something Dean had once told him about his mother. He'd told Sam how she has said angels watched over them, but if they had. then where were they when Dean needed them the most. "They didn't watch over him, Mom . . . you said they would, but they didn't. All his life, demons watched over Dean while angels turned their backs on him. He deserved angels, Mom . . . if anyone deserved them, it was him. God, why didn't they come to help him?"

A soft breeze ruffled through Sam's hair and lightly caressed his face, and he took comfort in it, feeling as if his mother had somehow reached out to him in his time of need. But just as quickly as the feeling came to him, it faded away. "Everyone I care about is gone, Mom . . . everyone . . . you, Dad, Jess . . . ." his voice trailed off, not wanting to include Dean's name as it just hurt too damn much. "I don't wanna be alone. I don't wanna have to go on from here by myself, Mom. I don't know how to. Dean was always there for me . . . cause even when I walked away, he was still always there waiting for me. An' I don't know how I'm suppose to wake up tomorrow an' move on as if everything's the way it should be. So please jus' tell me how to do that . . . please, I'm beggin' ya cause I can't do this on my own."

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And what you did you did with feeling

And you always found the meaning

And you always will

And you always will

And you always will

Sam slowly made his way to his feet and brushed the dirt off his faded jeans. With his heart in his throat, Sam lightly trailed his hand over the edge of his mother's gravestone. "I gotta get going now, Mom. An' I promise to be back soon." He turned to walk away, but only made it a few feet before he paused and looked back at his mother's grave. "Jus' wanted to thank you, Mom. You gave me the best big brother I could have ever asked for . . . an' I'll miss him forever." With head hung low, Sam turned back and slowly walked away.

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And I know, you're a part of me

And it's your song that sets me free

I sing it while I feel I can't hold on

I sing tonight cause it comforts me


End file.
